Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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