Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
