Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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