saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
