Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
