: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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