I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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