is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
