I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize