I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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