You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
