the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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