my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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