Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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