I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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