my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
