just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
