You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
sarcasm needs its own font
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
