im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
