I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
