i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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