First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize