Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
