Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
