I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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