I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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