He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
ok first of all what the fuck
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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