Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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