My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
