And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
