dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
