The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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