I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i believe in u and ur pee
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize