I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
