Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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