If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
tell me about the fingering
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