Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize