He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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