wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
