Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
