I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
