i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
