I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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