I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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