My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
