onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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