my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
God, I missed his penis.
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