I think I won the penis lottery.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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