I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
