dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize