You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize