So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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