It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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