VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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