she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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