Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
