I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Randomize
